Considering that his thoughts were about venomous semi-aquatic mammals, his reactions were quite strange.

"His cock stirred a little more, but he didn’t bother checking himself. Eyes watering, mouth filling with saliva, his cock twitched and grew commensurate with his thoughts, her proximity, and the sweet aromas pervading the air."

Vanilla Fudge — Elizabeth Woodham

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lorpus asked:
What are your thoughts about Johanna Lindsey (if you've read her)? She's one of the more popular historical romance writers but her sex scenes always creeped me out just because, to me, most of them are not consensual or are coercive. However she still gets highly recommended and I've not seen anyone discuss her sex scenes in that way, so maybe I'm just misreading them? The ones I remember being especially bad were Prisoner of My Desire and her Viking ones.

You are most definitely not alone in that. She is probably one of the “rapeyiest” of the bodice ripper authors. We’ve used quotes from her before, but, even though we own a very large number of her books, we don’t do it often. And that is, honestly, because her books make both of us very uncomfortable.

The term used in romance novel circles is “forced seduction.” The scene starts off rapey, then the woman suddenly decides it’s awesome, then she has an orgasm, and then she decides that she Looooourrrves him. That’s the most common scenario. But Lindsey’s books have flat out rape scenes as well, where the women are uninterested/fighting/unwilling the entire time.

I think it was “Defy Not the Heart” (though I could be mistaken), where the “hero” is married and repeatedly rapes his wife (not even the “forced seduction” premise) but the “love” story is really between him and some other woman that he rapes, but in a more “forced seduction” kind of way. Which is, apparently, how we know he loooooourves her, because he kind of sort of wants her to enjoy it? Or something?

I have only actually read most of one of her books. I don’t remember which one it was, but it was one of her more recent ones, and I think there was a pirate? Or a pirate ship? Something like that. But it was as bad as her earlier bodice rippers, so I didn’t finish it.

I have NO IDEA why she is consistently recommended. All I can assume is that those recommending her books read them when they were much younger and have basically forgotten how bad they were. Some justify it by saying “well, that’s how things were back then!” but I certainly don’t want to read that shit.

TL;DR her books are horrible, rapey, pieces of trash that I would NEVER recommend to anyone OR read for pleasure. They’re so bad that we (both of us!) don’t even like looking through them for quotes because they make us sick to our stomachs. Avoid this author.

AVOID HER.

Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell you, that hurt!

"She buried her face in his neck as he pressed her down into the blanket, each thrust of his body into hers causing her world to grow smaller and smaller so that it became a concentrated shower of sparks exploding outward, pulsing and shredding her nerve endings until she cried out, her eyes squeezed tightly shut."

Lost Highlander — Cassidy Cayman

Her soft, smooth, thick, or richly hued snake-like lady bits made him unbalanced, unhinged, unsound and a bit wacko

thotty-by-nature:

badromancenovelquotes:

"He began to move gently within her, trying not to hurt her, even as her velvety constriction was making him demented."

Viking — Fabio

snake like lady bits?

I suppose it could be constricting like a turtleneck sweater.

I don’t much like turtleneck sweaters.

Because nothing breaks the mood like a torrent of vomit.

wordcubed:

badromancenovelquotes:

theahole:

badromancenovelquotes:

badromancenovelquotes:

"As he rocked on the edge of the bed, Julie hummed to signal her approval. She opened her throat for his head, happy the nausea of her early pregnancy was finally past."

Inseparable — Bella Chal

The ONLY reason to mention that is if she’s gonna barf on his dick.

Nausea and sexytimes should not mingle.

I think it implies that she is happy that she is now past the “barfing on his dick” phase of her pregnancy — in that she had, previously, barfed on his dick, but was not likely to anymore.

This is not something I can understand happening more than once.

If there’s a gif that communicates “horrified and also facepalming”, I could use it right about now.

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Anonymous asked:
Title: Lady's Choice Paring: Hades and Persephone

That sounds awesome!

But alas I am not the one taking these prompts. :(

Please submit to haythamsbooty to (hopefully) be written!

P.S. It’s for the best that I’m not taking prompts. You would not want to read what I came up with. lol

Trashy Romance Novel AU

quaffledawn:

haythamsbooty:

  1. Send me the title of a trashy romance novel, along with a pairing.
  2. I will have to write an AU involving that pairing based on the summary of the book.

Ritual of Proof by Dara Joy
Pairing: Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy

:) Excting.

"He tried to hide the slight tremor in his loins, but she was aware of it."

Oh, god.

mywitfailsme:

badromancenovelquotes:

mywitfailsme:

The Fabio Collection. 

Look at these glorious titles and covers. 

Have you opened them to see the fold-out POSTERS yet, though?

Fabio. In a loin cloth.

They’re all just so… amazing.

Only one of them has the fold out in it. And I’m too afraid to touch it without rubber gloves. There are like dirty fingerprints on the outside of the pages and ewwwwwww

And just think — a lot of his fans are quite… um… elderly now. So they’re old person dirty fingerprints. Good for them, I guess!

We buy a LOT of used books. One of the easy ways to search for quotes is to go straight for sex scenes. The best way to do that is to hold them by the spine and see where the book has seen the most use.

It works, but yeah, it’s pretty gross. Gloves are a good idea.

nakedspirits:

casualcissexism:

ok but now draw the other eye

THE REALEST SHIT

Source: gaksdesigns

Trashy Romance Novel AU

haythamsbooty:

  1. Send me the title of a trashy romance novel, along with a pairing.
  2. I will have to write an AU involving that pairing based on the summary of the book.

Pirates by Linda Lael Miller. Supernatural pairing: Garth/Mr. Fizzle.

Go.

ETA: Here’s my review of it, if that will help.

twerklikegaston said: It’s definitely hard! My mom took me to the hospital many times when I had them because we never knew what was going on. Steroids are usually a good start and help. Poor guy!

You know, it just hit me that he has had scarlet fever before. When he got strep, he was completely asymptomatic until he broke out in a rash.

We just checked his throat and it’s completely clear, and he doesn’t have a fever. It’s hard to tell about swollen glands because of the swelling from the hives.

BUT, The Girl has had a sore throat all day. Now I think I may need to take him in for a culture. The hives don’t really look like it did when he had scarlet fever, but still probably worth checking.

Thanks!

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twerklikegaston asked:
Are those hives? I only ask because I break out in them when I get strep throat or I get really stressed! Maybe that's something to check into because I never knew when I had strep. Hoping you get answers!

Yeah, it’s either hives or angioedema. We’re treating them as hives for now because he doesn’t have any breathing difficulties or swelling of the mouth/tongue.

I’ve only gotten them from medications, so they’re usually pretty easy to treat (heavy dose of antihistamine). His, we can’t figure out what the hell is causing it. :(

colettecapricious said: Poor baby. Is it an allergic reaction to something? It sucks when they are hurting.

No clue at all what’s causing it. He’s had them for almost a week, but it went out of control today. 

Hopefully the meds the doctor gave us will take care of it. I don’t wanna deal with epi pens and crap. :-/

becisvolatile:

badromancenovelquotes:

mywitfailsme:

The Fabio Collection. 

Look at these glorious titles and covers. 

Have you opened them to see the fold-out POSTERS yet, though?

Fabio. In a loin cloth.

They’re all just so… amazing.

I think this explains a lot about why I turned out the way I did. I was like 12 when I decided that I was really into reading, only my family weren’t and we had like 7 books in the house: a bible, a phone book and the Fabio collection. I regret nothing.

My kids are growing up with the whole Fabio collection, plus 12,000 other romance novels. A few bibles, at least two Qur’ans, a couple of Torahs, some books on paganism, some on athiesm, and several about debunking religions. Who the hell owns a phone book anymore? Not us. :-P

Basically, our kids have NO HOPE.

Source: mywitfailsme

This is a form of medieval torture, not sex. Unless you’re, you know, into that sort of thing.

"His rock hard cock is sandwiched against my hip feeling like a white-hot poker. The man puts off a hell of a lot of heat. I feel like he’s making my blood boil and is going to set my skin on fire."

Sweet Renegade — Andria Large